maybe someone does read this lol

So i write this assuming that no one really reads this and its just my way of learning to deal with this nut job chick but it then I thought maybe she reads it... Because when i don't write for a few days she comes up with something new to do or cause problems with... LOL ok i know she doesn't ever read this 1st because she doesn't even own a computer and 2nd she would never read something about my thoughts!

Out of the blue today Zak gets a message from her saying that in the past he has asked her if he could sign over his rights giving up Q and well her and Dustin would be happy to let him do that now. Now first off I feel like it needs to be said that I've known Q since she was 2, she is now 8, this entire time he has done nothing but fight for her... On top of that in the last year we have gone rounds with her school to get it into their head that he is the dad they have joint custody and whats going on with his daughter is not only his business but he gets to be a part of the decision! He has tried to take her extra time other then the lame state guidelines (the answer from Rebel is always NO) and she has really opened up to him about how her mother is making her feel bad and how much she really enjoys her time with us! So why in the world she would just bring this up now i just don't get other than to start shit!

Ok so he wrote a heart filled text back to her crazy text saying that in no way would he be willing to give his rights to his daughter up to Dustin or anyone and its about time that she stop trying to push him out. She had no response to that which kind of surprised me but i was glad the whole thing makes me sick..

In light of me trying to be this new person that doesn't let this crazy person bring me down he reminded me that Q and all of us have a great relationship and that she loves being with us and maybe there are somethings going on there that Rebel is worried about so she tries to bring us down... I let it go again and really at this point i can honestly say whatever! BUT................. Just in case she does read this.... Zak loves his daughter and she loves him he is a wonderful father to her and he will never give up on her like you have, he wont ever give her up so that YOUR mother can raise her o and stop trying so hard to make DUSTIN her dad because guess what.... Just like you tell me a million times I'm not Q's mom DUSTIN isn't her dad SHE ALREADY HAS ONE!

I let myself cool off...

Well I let myself cool off for 4 days before writing today... I wanted to see if it made a difference on how i looked at the problem. So I was all prepared to send Rebel a message about splitting the driving thing and all of a sudden I get this message saying that she just got her mail and she got her bday card and thanks so much but she only gets her mail when her bills are due so she didn't get the card 2 weeks ago when i sent it. Hmm I thought maybe with that I should wait a day before i piss her off and ask her about driving I also did not want her to think thats why i sent the card. So I wait... a few min later i hear from someone else that Q has strep and didn't go to school wed or thurs which is what day it was... Well we had her on tues and she was perfectly fine not to mention that she didn't call us to say that Q was sick or tell Zak about the dr apt that she made for Q to be checked out.... OK now I'm pissed! For 2 seconds I thought when she said thanks for the card it would have been wrong of me to bring something up like the driving and upset her what a idiot I was for even thinking she was trying to be friendly! On top of it what the hell does she not understand about the fact that Q's dad has the right to know every apt she makes for Q and its in the papers also where the hell is the common sense to tell us that not only Q is sick but we might want to watch the other kids we have to catch it early if she passed it to them. Ahh how do i keep trying to make things better when she so clearly wants to keep up such childish shit! Then when he ask her what is going on because he got the email from the school saying Q wasn't there she lies... She lies and says i told you yesterday that she has strep and no no she didn't so he ask how she is feeling now and her reply is i told you yesterday she has strep thanks for your concern... He asked what dr she saw and other things about her health did he get a response NO!

So i waited until now to write this 4 days and one church lesson later. I am upset that this is still happening but I'm not dwelling on it like i would in the past. I wonder if she will ever change but accept that no one other then herself can make her change. I am learning a very hard lesson in forgiving... And like my pastor said its ain't for the weak at heart!

Do I need to read the damn book again?

So at this point I'm wondering if I need to go back and read the book again and figure out new ways of making conversation with this chick or what?? We had Q last night again and it was great... We did all of our normal Tuesday crazy night stuff. On our week night with Q its totally crazy its usually like this... We drive 30min to magna pick her up at 3:45 drive 30min home get all the girls started on home work start dinner, eat dinner together ( we don't ever miss this one!) work with Q on spelling and reading play a quick game with all the girls all before 6:30, at 6:30 we have to leave and drive 30min to Q's tutor drop her off for a hr hang out somewhere close to tutors pick her up at 8 drive 30 min to magna to have her at home at 8:30 on the dot and then drive 30min back home and put the other 3 girls to bed... Ahh CRAZY TUESDAY!!

Now what i would like to first work on with Rebel is trying to get her to help with this insanity, she NEVER has to pick up Q. In our court papers it says that Zak will pick up Q and drop her off and this is something I would like to kick my own ass 2 days a week for not questioning our lawyer for 3 years ago! We've tried a few times to have Rebel come get her and unless its some special day that she wants Q early she tells us no... Now the state has changed the rules and new cases get to have each parent pick up when there time starts up again. I am trying to think of a way to put this to her like hey we really would like to spend more of the little time we get with Q with her and not driving around. Tuesdays we get Q from 3:45 to 8:30 so 4hrs and 45min. We spend 2hrs just driving to pick up and drop off. We also use a hr of our time for her to get help from the tutor to try and bring her up to grade level in school. So is it too much to ask for her mother to pick her up when our time is over? Really it might sound like a small amount of time to be bothered by but think of it this way every week we spend 2hrs just picking up and dropping off and every other week we spend 4hrs picking up and dropping off so that's 12hrs a month we spend driving just to pick up and drop off I would much rather be using the extra 6hrs that we would have with Q if her mother would pick her up doing something fun not just sitting in the car! On Tuesdays we spend 2 and a half hrs in the car driving and 1hr waiting for her at the tutors so we really only have 2 1/2 hrs to actually spend with her and in that 2 1/2 hrs we have to cook and eat dinner do homework, spelling, and read for 30min.

Well I guess I'll see if i can think of any ways to make her understand how we feel about it.

Change in ME....

Well last night was the first night that we have had Q since I've been reading this book and trying to make changes and even tho I don't feel any progress has been made with Rebel I do feel like I have changed a bit. Sometimes I feel like I'm a little short with the family because I'm stressed with whats going on with Rebel and I didn't feel like that last night. On Monday Rebel asked me if Q read at all over Christmas break with us, I said yes let me pull up her reading record and I'll let you know the times so I got on the computer and pulled up the week and text her all of it and heard nothing after that... Then Tuesday morning after Q is at school I get a text from her saying that since she never heard back from me that she just wrote on Q's chart that she read 20 min a day. Now that's weird since I sent her 3 different text about the reading and when she doesn't get a response she usually sends another text something like "HELLO I'M WAITING" but I didn't get anything like that so i responded that no i sent the 3 text and she read way more than that and I resent the text with the min... Well she said Q was already at school and we could change it on the chart tonight if we wanted to then. When we got the chart everything was written in pen so it would have been a total mess to change and I noticed that on the week we had her she put 20 min a day but on the week she had her she put 30 a day... Now this is where i would usually be upset wonder why the hell she's doing this and let it ruin my evening with Q. Not last night we did not fix the reading min because it wasn't worth the mess it would make on her chart and I also didn't let her trying to one up us on the min bother me either or the fact that I believe that she lied about not getting the text, I just didn't care! The truth is that is a very big step for me and I felt like i finally got a little bit of control over myself back! It was a great night with Q and I'm glad I didn't let little things bring me down!

Way harder then i thought!

Well I knew from the start this would not be easy but it all became a reality today when i text Rebel and got her text back. I asked her if she would be interested in going to lunch with me and working a few things out to improve things for Q... The response I got was that she heard that Zak and I are not together anymore... Hmm I let her know that no thats not true... Then she went on to say she doesn't think we are at a point where we should or could be going to lunch since we haven't dealt with each other for the last year and she doesn't see any benefit to having a better relationship with Q's dads girlfriend then with him.

Well I told her i thought there were several benefits from it but i got no response. Its hard to not let disappoint me, I knew that i had a fat chance of her meeting me since she knows she can not bully me in person but I was hopefully just for the sake of making things better for Q.

Well tomorrow is a new day so we'll see what it will bring but I know I am the bigger person willing to work with someone i believe is not a good person!

Nothing yet...

Well I haven't heard anything about the birthday card yet... Does this mean she hasn't gotten her mail or she just didn't have anything to say about it, i don't know? I wanted her to at least say something about the card so i could ask her if she would be willing to talk about a few things. I suppose I need to just send her a text asking her if she would be willing to talk about a few things but then where the hell do i start? I need to leave the shit that she has done even last week in the past and figure out how the hell to make the future work but I'm still not really sure how to do that. She lives in the past! I'm all about the list and i had to make a huge list when i was trying to learn how to forgive her lol. Maybe a list of a few things we could work on and what the hell to say would work. I kinda feel the way you did in jr high when you talked to a boy you liked on the phone how your girlfriends would tell you what to say and yes i was always the girl that wrote that down lol.. Well i'll brainstorm and see what i come up with!

First Step...

Well i made my very fist step in trying to improve things with Rebel. Last night I went to target and got a birthday card for her... Let me tell you how hard it is to find a birthday card for someone you don't even like! I found one that was very nice but not personal. I figured this would be a good way to break the ice. So i put it in the mail today so she'll have it by tomorrow now she doesn't usually check her mail but maybe since its her birthday she'll see if there is anything for her? I'll write a update when i know she has it.